- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A special thanks to http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/!